Get Real

David Gregory Pihl

Okay, look. I’m a guy. I appreciate beautiful women, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for something that’s probably written in my DNA. What’s NOT part of my biology, however, is an inability to appreciate diverse body types and varieties of face shapes. I constantly marvel at the patchwork quilt that is the sisterhood of humanity. The concept of the ideal woman, of perfect beauty, the “Platonic Form of womanhood” is a construct that exists almost exclusively in the female mind. Why is it that you ladies recognize beauty in one another, and yet refuse to see it in your own bedroom mirror? This “selective blindness” is an attribute that I find bewildering and sad. And for some weird reason, it afflicts almost every woman I meet. So let’s try, yet again, to dispel a few myths.

There is nothing about a certain type of woman that is intrinsically sexy or beautiful. There just isn’t. For one generation, thunder thighs may be the pinnacle of female beauty. But don’t blink, or you might miss the swing of the pendulum in the opposite direction. Flat chested, freakishly skinny women with bobbed hair and drop waisted dresses are about as different from the feminine ideal of the previous generation as you can get.  Women have been binding their feet, putting gages in their ears, piercing their noses, burning marks on their foreheads, henna tattooing their hands, bustling their booty, etc. etc. etc. for as long as anybody has been keeping track. The one universal truth, is that none of you ever seem to be satisfied with what you’ve got. And yet, looking at the drawings of Charles Dana Gibson never gets old. The Gibson girl has a certain timeless beauty to her… in fact the flapper age was ALSO a time when there was a revived interest in Mr. Gibson’s drawings. It wasn’t until the 1920′s, in fact, that Gibson Girl Mania truly took off. You could buy images of the Gibson girl emblazoned on all sorts of stuff. The Edwardian equivalent of lunch boxes, bed sheets, t-shirts and mouse pads. Speaking of which, have you ever seen Betty Boop or Marilyn Monroe plastered on some trendy knick knack at the mall? The ideal of feminine beauty certainly shifted in the decades that separate the Gibson Girl, the Flapper, and the Blonde Bombshell. And yet, somehow all three are now part of the accepted cannon of “classic beauty.”  All three are beautiful in their own way. Seriously.

When Max Factor fled the communist revolution, he had a very difficult time plying his trade here in the USA. Only actresses and women of very loose morals wore makeup, after all. Eventually he found a home in Hollywood, working for the studios. There were plenty of actresses and women of loose morals in Hollywood back then. Some things never change. I mention this because I want, I NEED you to understand how this thing works. Clara Bow’s trademark “bee-stung lips” were Max Factor’s way of dealing with her biggest “flaw.” She had a huge mouth, which at the time was considered unattractive. So he put a very SMALL amount of color on the central most part of her lips in an effort to de-emphasize her big mouth. Suddenly women went crazy trying to achieve the “bee-stung lips” look. And suddenly, Max Factor was able to sell makeup to mainstream American women. Well, lipstick anyway. Rexall Drug Stores took a gamble, and soon they discovered that the women of the jazz age were all too happy to defy the stifling dress-codes and strict rules of conduct laid down by their parents’ generation. Makeup was here to stay.

Did you catch that? Her big mouth was considered a FLAW, and yet EVERY WOMAN of a certain age wanted to look just like her. This whole envy thing is strange to me. Seriously.

That certain guys may have a “fetish” for this or that attribute is certainly true. Yet there is no universal list of attributes that all guys like, or that all guys find repulsive. And no matter how strong a man’s preference might be, it doesn’t take much to turn his head if you lack the attribute he used to fixate on.  Most women have a few attributes that a guy finds comfortably familiar. By the same token, most women have attributes that a guy finds mysterious and exotic. What we call “attraction”, is when woman is both familiar and mysterious, in equal measure. In other words, don’t sweat it if you don’t have a large chest, or whatever. Most men will find you attractive either way. Seriously.

If we’re going to address the topic of body image issues, we might as well address the issue head-on. And that means we’ll have to acknowledge the existence of erotica. Sorry ladies, I know how much you hate that subject. Let me just say that there are entire web sites, entire magazines and thousands of movies that cater to every taste. That means there are magazines for guys who lust after forty-seven-and-a-half-year-old, small-chested women with dirty-blonde hair who don’t wear makeup, and who never, ever shave. There are sites out there for guys who admire fat women, skinny women, old women, young women, Asian women, redheads, brunettes, country dwellers, glam girls, women with tattoos, women who wear long dangly ear rings, women with weird body piercings, etc. etc. etc. What you don’t see, what I have ONLY SEEN ONCE, is a site depicting anorexics. And let me tell you, it was GROSS! The point is that there are guys out there who appreciate nearly EVERY type of woman. Whatever category you fit into, there is somebody out there who finds you seriously stimulating to look at. Seriously.

Contrary to what your professor told you in Feminist Studies, men are probably not responsible for your body image problems. They may be guilty of flirting with the girl who showed up at the party wearing the latest fad fashion, but it’s probably not the flirty guys who called her a slut. It was all the girls who saw her getting so much attention. The gossip and the tongue wagging that deteriorate a woman’s self-esteem have historically come from other women. And especially from her mother-in-law.

Don’t forget that it was Queen Victoria who codified female dress standards into law. It was not a king, a preacher, or some other male authority figure. It was Emily Post who taught my mother’s generation what “a woman of proper breeding” does when presented with a table setting that contains a plethora of utensils. It was a book called “Elegance” that dictated how many hats, how many gloves and what color of gloves belong in a proper lady’s wardrobe. A pair of cotton “shorties” is essential for springtime garden parties, although white lace or crochet provide a lady with a multitude of options. A pair of five-button, buff-colored kidskin gloves is essential for a night at the movies. I would go on, but space does not allow it. Besides, my copy of the book is MIA. Anyway, would anybody care to guess the gender of the authoress? Seriously!

Your biggest enemy, the real enemy to a healthy body image is the fashion industry itself. They have a vested interest in making you feel like your life is incomplete without specific fashion or beauty products. Advertisers will say or do ANYTHING to make your life feel incomplete. Whatever it takes to make you think your life is incomplete without their product, they will gladly pay to accomplish it. They hire the best photographers, the best photo re-touchers, the best ad agencies, the best psychologists, the best neuro-scientists, the largest focus groups, etc. etc. etc.  The key to inoculating yourself  against a constant barrage of advertising messages is a keen awareness of the motives that all advertisers have in common. Learn how to laugh at this, and don’t get sucked in by all the hype. If you’re not jaundiced and extremely cynical about advertisers, then prepare for a lifetime of mental anguish. Seriously.

I know what you are thinking. Women don’t dress to turn guys on. They dress to impress other women. But this is, by definition, a war that can never be won.  That you may win the battle from time to time it is true. But nobody ever wins in an arms race. Whatever you do to outclass the other girls in your friends group will ultimately become the new norm. It becomes an expectation—every single day! How many times have I heard women complain about how stressful it is to be a woman—to have to deal with the expectations that people place upon you—to have perfect makeup and perfect hair, and to always be in style while juggling husband, kids, and career.  I know a few women who have refused to be a part of the rat race, and I can tell you without equivocation that they are a whole lot happier than you are.  That they have twinges of envy from time to time is an inescapable reality. But on the whole, I have found they are better than most women at drawing a clear distinction between fantasy and reality—between playing dress-up and wearing jeans, t-shirts, flip-flops, and a pony tail. Ladies, I wish you could know how sexy you look in flip-flops and a pony tail. Seriously.

Because we all have an appetite for fantasy, let’s talk briefly about strategies. I’m an amateur photographer. My camera isn’t even of the “prosumer” variety. But I have a seventh-degree black belt in Photoshop, and I get a real kick out of retouching photos to make my female friends look glamorous. A few years ago, my daughter started to have acne. Not the pizza face her mother had as a teenager, but the writing was on the wall. So I devised a work-flow for cloning away the pock marks, and blurring away her pores. Unlike the folks at Glamour and Cosmo, I don’t clone away ten pounds from her cute little belly. I’m not trying to turn my daughter into a supermodel, just provide her with some pictures she will be proud to show her grandkids someday. Please understand that this is all done in fun, and is not intended to set any kind of standard or precedent.

My ex-wife used to wear makeup whenever we went out on a date. I tried to make it absolutely clear to her that she looks incredible without wearing any makeup at all. After we married, she began wearing makeup only on nights when we went out on the town. And that, to me, was just perfect. It was a healthy balance between fantasy and normalcy. When we played “dress-up” together, it was a really fun way to take a break from the stresses of work and family life. It’s nice to have a touch of glamour every now and again, but it’s much more important to be comfortable and stress free in your everyday life.

This point was driven home for me in a very forceful way last night. I was invited to a friend’s house for dinner. Even though they were in the throes of setting up housekeeping in their new “Brady Bunch” home, I sort of insinuated myself into the mix so that I could show them the photos I took at their wedding. I just couldn’t wait any longer, after the time I’d spent retouching their photos.

I was so proud of the way I’d made the bride look, using the techniques I’d learned for air brushing away the pores on a woman’s face. If you can’t provide the bride with a few glamorous wedding photos, then I don’t know when else it would be appropriate to give a girl the supermodel treatment. Imagine my surprise when I heard her complain that I’d airbrushed away the mole just below her neck. And then came the real shocker… She hadn’t worn her makeup that day, or put on the very expensive bra she had purchased to make her wedding dress hang just right. She was so preoccupied with helping her kids deal with the emotional upheaval that she forgot to bring along about a hundred dollars worth of beauty aids she had purchased for the wedding. This woman was the polar opposite of Bride-Zilla, and certainly had her priorities straight. I’d already added a bit of color to her lips, and I’m happy to adjust her bust line if she asks me to. The point is that these photos are part of a make-believe world that exists in the mind of many a bride, and while they can be a lot of fun, they are not pertinent in the overall objectives of marriage and family life. I’m not sure if either of my grandmothers ever had a bridal portrait taken, and yet they turned out to be fantastic mothers! Incredible though it may seem, life goes on even after the photos are taken (or not taken in their case).

If her nonchalance about the lack of makeup and body shapers are any indication, I’m guessing “Carol” and “Mike” are on their way to a marriage that lasts. “Carol” is so focused on her husband, kids, and her education that she simply doesn’t have time to stew and fret about her body shape. And if I know “Mike,” I’m pretty sure her body shape is perfect as far as he’s concerned.

 I guess that’s the point I’ve been trying to make. If your body shape is a turn-on for the guy who loves you, then to hell with everybody else. I think “Carol” is a knock-out. A classic beauty if ever there was one. But it really doesn’t matter what I think. All that matters is that she and “Mike” agree about what makes her the hottest woman around. And to tell you the truth, I’m guessing it’s her attitude and demeanor that hooked him. Whatever she may look like on the outside, he could have been blind and still fallen in love with her just as fast. Seriously.

I once had a friend who most of you today would presume to be “every man’s fantasy.”  When we were kids, I didn’t really notice how jealous all the other girls were of her body shape, her ocean blue eyes, and her oh-so-perfect smile. Later in life, after she and I had both been through painful divorces, we became reacquainted. Ultimately she broke off all contact with me, as she has done with every other guy in her life. She has been dealing with perverts for so long that, in her mind, all guys are perverts. Slowly she has become a cynic, and a spinster (for lack of a better phrase). She trusts her dog, and a few members of her family. Everyone else is either jealous of her good looks, or trying to bed her. I’m not going to lie to you and say that I don’t find her incredibly attractive. But please don’t envy Michelle. She’s so pretty that she simply doesn’t know who to trust anymore. It’s a tough row to hoe.  Seriously.

To you women who have body-image issues, and apparently that’s most of you, please let me offer you my sympathies. At the same time, let me offer you my support. If you think it would help, I’d be happy to retouch a photo for you. You know, glam it up a bit. Better yet, I’ve a professional  photographer friend who is launching a side venture. A friend of hers wanted to give some boudoir photos to her husband for their anniversary. They had so much fun that Heidi has decided to offer this service to her other clients. If it were me, as a client I would take precautions when undertaking this sort of thing. Order prints in a tightly bound book that doesn’t quite fit onto a flatbed scanner. Heidi will let you take the digital negatives, and even let you keep the copyrights, but that means YOU have to be very careful about what becomes of those negatives after you take possession of them. I don’t want you to find your picture on one of those “ex-girlfriend” revenge sites someday, especially when the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and divorce.

That said, have fun with this idea if it appeals to you! Buy a few cheap costume pieces, including the obvious jewelry and such, but also things like opera-length satin gloves and sheer-to-waist hosiery. Don’t be afraid to buy a pair of heels from the thrift store for five or seven dollars, and paint the soles with colorful enamel. Red nail polish from the dollar store could make the shoes look like the crazy expensive kind from Italian designer boutiques. Costume jewelry has become really convincing nowadays, and you can get plenty of sparkle from cheap crystal baubles and from proper studio lighting.

The main thing is, I need you to build up a partition in your mind between your fantasy life and your real life. Don’t let your bank account suffer because you wanted to make some photos or play dress-up for a night on the town. Don’t let your family suffer because you don’t find the girl in the mirror particularly attractive today. Please, please, please know that you are VERY attractive to me, even if other people have put you down in the past.

Seriously.

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David Gregory Pihl has been writing for books and magazines since the age of sixteen, and is presently a regular contributor to an on line social media web site called “Facebook.”  He works as a chauffeur during the ski season, and works odd jobs the rest of the year. He spends every spare dollar, and every minute that he can on his children. Last week he and his daughter went, white-tie invited, to a talent show at David’s church. They then went out for dinner, in full regailia, to a cafe where most patrons probably have no idea what “white tie invited” means. In other words, they played dress-up, and added a bit of glam to an otherwise dull summer weeknight. “Mike” and “Carol” are pseudonyms, as you probably surmised. Although they sympathize deeply with those of you who feel unattractive or unloved, the idea of becoming the “poster child” for body image issues was asking a bit much. They also declined the request that their wedding photos be included with this article, for the obvious reason that unwanted attention would surely follow. Please know that they are with you all in spirit, even if standing before the world wide web and saying “look at me, I’m stable and secure” didn’t feel right to them. I trust you understand. You’ve got to admit their choice of pseudonyms is kinda funny!

In Junior High School David Pihl read several books by James Laver about the anthropology and psychology of clothing. He went on to read hundreds of books about fashion history in the years that followed. By the time he reached college age, he enrolled in the only fashion merchandising program in the state. He quickly realized that he liked classic style so much that he really didn’t have anything new to say to consumers. And so he changed schools, switched majors, and abandoned fashion design altogether. He is a senior contributor on the Trad forum at Ask Andy About Clothes. He has been quoted in articles about clothing styles from the Victorian through the Edwardian age. David currently resides in Salt Lake City Utah.

Heidi Grantham can be reached at H to T Expose (Head to Toe) photography if you wish to consult with her about the anniversary photos that were mentioned in the article. https://www.facebook.com/HToTExposePhotography?fref=ts She offers a wide range of services, as you can clearly see from her web site. But she is also the epitome of discretion. Which is why you don’t see any of her boudoir photos published anywhere.